I am a non-custodial mom of two girls. My detailed story to follow. It’s long and complicated, so this will be the short version. Names, places, dates are vague for obvious reasons. Also, other non-custodials will be able to fill in any gaps I miss, because you’ve probably been through something similar.
I “fell in love” with my ex husband at 15 years old. I was young and naive. He was manipulative and abusive. I was pregnant at 19, and scared. We were married when I was 20, before our first daughter was born. Why did I marry him if he was manipulative and abusive? Because I was young, and didn’t see the red flags. Also, the abuse became worse over time. Fast forward, baby two 13 months later. Now I’m in for the long haul. A month shy of our 5th wedding anniversary, I was raped and physically abused by my own husband. During the rape he tried to smother me with his hand over my face and mouth. Probably mostly to keep me quiet, but it was in those few moments that I really believed I was going to die. “This is it”, I thought, “this is how it’s going to end.” I could only think about the girls. 4 and 5 years old. Sleeping in the bedroom down the hall.
After the rape, I was not allowed to leave the house, and was essentially held hostage in my own home. I tried to crawl out windows, doors, anything, to get away from him. I escaped and locked myself in our vehicle. He threw himself on the hood, and with his set of keys, managed to unlock the passenger door, and climb inside the vehicle with me. I got out, and began walking down the street. He followed me. I doubled back and acted like I was going to the house, he followed, and I bolted for the car, locked myself in, and tried to escape again. My babies were still inside, but I knew I had to get away from him, or he would kill me. He told me he had a gun, and he would be ready for them when they came for him. He was screaming this at me as I pulled out of the driveway. Not knowing where I was going or what I was doing. I called my best friend, and she insisted on meeting me at the hospital.
I was terrified, beaten, bruised and heart broken. I was scared of what happened, and what would happen. I knew he would try to kill me if he were arrested. After I got to the hospital, his arrest was not my choice, it was the State’s.
He was arrested. I filed for divorce and a restraining order the following day. I was in the hospital all night having a rape kit done. Painstakingly going over the nights events over and over. When I left the hospital around 5am, they had safely taken custody of my husband, and my children were safe.
I supported my husband while he went to night school, and stayed with our children during the day. My meager salary barely got us by. When he graduated in the criminal justice field, he refused to get a job. We were sinking fast financially. The last two years of our marriage were particularly stressful, and it spiraled downward. I can’t count the number of broken remotes, thrown books, degradation I incurred. All the while making everything look shiny and happy on the outside. Our life at home was OUR business. He systematically alienated me from all of my friends. There was something wrong with all of them. And if I had my own thought, it was something that someone else put me up too, because I couldn’t possibly have my own thoughts.
Divorce went through. He plead guilty to Assault 3rd degree physical injury, misdemeanor. At the time, you were not allowed to charge your HUSBAND with sexual assault. So it was rape, or assault. In my naivety, I told them to file the assault, and make it stick. No pleading it down. Thinking how horrible it would be for the GIRLS to have a felon as a father, which is exactly what he is. Hindsight is 20/20. I had bad advice, from family and attorney’s. We had joint legal and physical custody. And then something happened. Two months after the ink was dry on our divorce. He remarried. 3 months later, he moved 3 hours away. I should’ve filed for a modification then, but didn’t, and we continued with joint custody.
It became increasingly difficult, and our youngest was about to start school. In a dead end job, and barely making it, he told me to continue my education, and he wouldn’t ask me for a thing, but he JUST wanted the girls for their first year of school. What an idiot I was. I agreed, and began making plans to go back to school. Several states away. Because although he was remarried, and lived hours away. He was still able to stalk me, through himself, and others. Always keeping tabs on me, in our hometown. I freaked out, and couldn’t take it anymore, and I moved away. Keeping in constant contact with my daughters, and providing monetary support for them, even though I wasn’t ordered by the court to do so.
To be continued…
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